Thursday, June 5, 2008


I have found so much freedom and peace in the past week. I've been dancing and running and when I do I have way more peace at work. I went running with Amanda yesterday and it was great. I love being with here. We ended the day at Bethel playing the piano in the kitchen and worshipping together. I think that she way have the most amazing voice I have ever heard in my life. Brooke and Lindsay were with us too and we ended the night soaked in His presence. Amanda then told me that while she is in Europe, i get to keep her keyboard at my house! Such an answer to prayer!! Amy left chelsea and I her sewing machine, so I get to be creative this summer as I make my clothes!!! 

It was the perfect way to end my day. I had an amazing day in its entirety. 

I got off work at Breaking New Grounds at 10 and had forty-five minutes before I had to be at work at the OG. Chelsea asked me if I would be home, but I said no. I had no idea why I was heading to that side of town so early, but the night before I had ironed all of my clothes and even set aside my work out clothes. 

I headed down pine ready to turn onto 44 and a girl was totally high-lighted to me as she ran across the street in front of my car. She was wearing all mens clothing. She was tiny.  I felt the Holy spirit tell me to pick her up. I argued with him in my head that she was hitch-hiking and that she didn't need me. I was a block away now and she stuck her thumb out. I was already on 44 so I had to pull off on park marina to get her. I turned around and she was gone. I kept driving and thought to myself, o well, guess I wasn't supposed to do it. I kept driving and mile up the road, there she was! 
I pulled over and she jogged up to my car. I asked where she was going and I had no idea where Oak run was. I asked if it was near hilltop and she didn't really know either. She was 17 and her name was Pippie. I asked her where she going and where she was coming from and if she had any family. She was coming from a week end in Chico and it had taken her 3 days to get back home. She lived with her foster family and only had permission to be gone for the weekend, but because she was walking and hitch-hiking home it took her 3 extra days.   She loved her foster family and didn't want to lose them. We drove for about 8 minutes and as we approached th redding airport I began to get nervous. I didn't know how far up the exit was and how I would make it to work ontime. We pulled off and stopped at the convenient store. I told pippie that If it was too far I would get her a cab. She was thirsty and hungry so I gave her some money to get what she needed. I called the cab company and told them where she needed to go. I have been really short on money lately and have been racking up medical bills and rent and utilities. But I had so much peace. It isn't my money anyways, and I am learning to trust entirely in the Lord for finances even when I have more than enough. It was as if the Lord was saying that He wanted to show Pippie His limitless love. That he wanted to pour out on Pippie with all that He had. He was chasing after Her! And if she would turn to see him, She could have Him and HIs love. He loved her so much and he high-lighted her to me so that she might know his love. I prayed for her and sent her off, but before she would let me leave, she told me to hold out my hand. She gave me one of the dozen necklaces she had on her neck. I knew that she was truly touched by God! It was amazing. I have been in other circumstances where I have given away money and time and not seen that it touched them, but Pippie gave me a little piece of her... even from the little that she had. 

God has freedom and love in store for Pippie and I encouraged her to seek Jesus! 
It was amazing

Even though lately I have been weary at the Olive Garden and I have wanted to throw in the towel, God has given me peace this last week. I haven't left in tears this week so far. Its pretty much a miracle for that to be said. God is truly teaching me to rest and to live in freedom and to be an environment changer. 
Yesterday was an amazing day. 

As I was at work, I had lost of tables with old people. Everytime that I have a table of elderly women, I think of my beautiful grandma mary lou. I love watching them. They are so graceful and not in a hurry. I find myself rushing all of the time. I don't know if I ever bring peace to a place because I am so fast paced. I watched my 04 table yesterday. they sat and talked with each other for two hours. I was rushing back and forth between tables and I truly admired them for taking their time and for not being in a hurry. Women of generations passed truly know how to rest and bring peace. That Is something I want to glean from them. They truly possess a deep and insurmountable beauty. I want that. I want to be peaceful, and graceful, and beautiful in rest. 

I had so many revelations over the last few days, but I didn't write them down at the moment. I wish I would have... Some of them were amazing

One revelation I had was this:
Music is my heart beat and dance is the blood that makes it pump. 


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

daring to live free

I have posted many blogs on many sites. i have shared things with brutal honesty and gotten myself into lots of trouble. I have a love for transparency and find freedom in the small tap beneath my fingers as I type. 

I am learning so much about breaking the chains and the boxes of religion. I think that I truly believe what Paul says about everything being permissible but not everything is benneficial. I think that God gives us guidelines to protect us, but its clear that He gives us free will. Not every decision is a good one and there are consequences for our bad ones, but not every decision that has the capability of having bad consequences are altogether bad. 

I think that as christians we have ourselves so bound up in a box that we can't experience the true freedom that God has for us. We make choices according to how we think God would respond. 

We also  have a tendency to say God, what do you want me to do or what do you want me to do with this, when really He is asking us what we want to do and what we will do with what He has given us. Its free will people! We don't have to live by a set of rules. We are free in christ and when we are close to His heart there is no guilt and shame. If we are close to His heart then our motives and lives will be pure and we have the ability to make right decisions. 

I believe that there are rules put in place for a reason and I am a stong advocate of obedience, but for all of my life I have been obedient to a fault. I have been willing to throw everything that I have needed for myself to obey. Its been painful and caused a poverty mentality and a cycle of exhausting myself to please others. I would work myself into the ground if I knew it would make my parents say good job just one time. But I have worked too much and too hard and even though I know I am called to rest, I have almost refused to do it and am facing the consequences now. Rest is so vital to us I am learning. I was deeply convicted by the message on sunday... both of them actually. 

For instance, I have been trying to rest for a couple of weeks. I actually found the most peace even with my extremely high conscience, last night when I sipped a mamosa with my girls while we watched ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. I even tried a tobacco free hooka. It was like blowing bubbles. I would normally say I'm worry for being a bad example of something, but I think that its good that I can have peace and rest in these things. I don't think God is upset at me for it and I know I wouldn't have peace if it was something bad. 

Some people might read this and freak out. But I didn't get buzzed or drunk, I was just relaxed. Didn't jesus even drink wine with his friends. I know that it was a drink of the culture then, but I don't really think that that makes a big difference. I'm sorry if this makes you disappointed in me a little bit, but I have no fear of man and I am not bound by the laws of men and religion. 

I am learning that rules and living by them is completely useless. Living by conviction and passion is so much greater. Because I don't want to be an alcoholic I make the choice to not drink regularly and to not drink very much. I am passionate about remaining free from addiction, but that doesn't mean that I have live in fear of it and stay away from it completely. 

I am passionate about purity, but I desire intimacy. So, because I am passionate about purity I will not put myself in compromising situations, but when the time comes I will hold hands and hug and stuff. Who knows, maybe I'll even kiss... Its not about the rules and being bound to them, its about the motives of the heart. 

A great example is the difference in last night and 2007 new years eve. I was angry and wanting to retalliate and allow those that hurt me see how poorly I was doing. I felt so guilty about it. Last night I had a few sips of spamone and relaxed with my girl friends in celebration of friendships and life. the motive was completely different and I think that is what separates sin from moderation and balance...

I don't know if I making sense, and I certainly hope that my theology is still on the right track, but all i know is that I feel just as much peace today as I did last night. 

I used to feel like a puppy god being chased around by its owner with a newspaper for doing the smallest things, but it is so freeing to know that God's opinion of me for these things.  He enjoys me enjoying myself.